This day in Irony: Vitter and Craig tout "sacredness" of marriage

On Wednesday, a group of Senators introduced a new Amendment to the US Constitution. No, this was not the long-hoped for "casual Fridays" amendment. This particular piece of legislation pertains to marriage, or more specifically, the desire to cordon marriage off like the velvet ropes of some *fabulous* club, allowing in - ironically, in the context of the metaphor - only straight couples.

Also ironic? That two of the resolution's are David Vitter and Larry Craig. Most of you know Larry Craig from his wide-stanced hijinx in the Minneapolis airport. Perhaps less well-known is Senator Vitter, who was part of the DC Madame scandal, a proprietor whose brothel services Vitter initially denied using... that is, until they found his phone records. Dumbass.

Perhaps the text of the amendment should have been edited to read: Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman (and that man's whore(s) and/or anonymous male bathroom sex partners).

Really Cool Things: An adjustable skyscraper

Last week, an Italian architect with a decidedly un-Italian name (David Fisher) announced to the world his plans to build in Dubai (where else?) an 80-story skyscraper with the unique distinction of being the world's first "building in motion." Evidently, the floors will be built around a solid cement core, and each floor will have the ability to twist around the core using wind turbines, giving residents ever-changing views of the Persian Gulf and the ridiculously awesome (and ever changing) Dubai skyline. Oh yeah - and turning floors will constantly alter the shape of the building itself, as illustrated above. The best part is that you can get a 1,300 square foot unit for only $4,000,000. Sign me up!

The Spur Posse ain't got shit on these gals!

Back in my day, the symbols for teen sex gone wrong were a group of dudes out in Lakewood, California that called themselves the Spur Posse. The group was comprised of about 20 guys that competed with one another to see who could have sex with the most girls. The champ claimed to have bedded a grand total of 66.

When asked to describe the girls that the Posse rounded up, a classmate described them as "not the prettiest", which was probably an understatement. I can't imagine that Client #66 was a study in high self esteem.

Speaking of high self esteem...

I've been thinking about the girls in Gloucester, Massachusetts that made a pact to have babies together. By now you've probably read about them. There are 17 expecting mothers, none over the age of 16. Sad.

One of them was impregnated by a 24 year old homeless man. Really sad.

How do you tell your friends that the baby daddy is the guy who lives behind the Grand Union? I mean, really? How does that go down? Do you actually tell them the truth, or do you just tell them that the dad is Steve Sanders?

In somewhat related news, mazel tov to Jamie Lynn Spears (who, at 17, is older than all 17 of the mothers-to-be in Gloucester) on the birth of her baby girl.

Throw another shrimp on the barbie, fatass.

Good news, my fellow Americans: those fun loving, perpetually backpacking Australians are fatter than we are!

A report titled "Australia's Future Fat Bomb" claims that Australia's got a higher proportion of "husky" citizens (that's my word, not theirs) than America does. Out of 21 million citizens, 9 million are considered obese.

Below is a picture of a chicken sandwich from the Australian version of Burger King, Hungry Jack's. Looks like our friends down under have definitely acquired the taste for ridiculously large portion sizes...

Facial Hair: Why should gay men have all the fun?

After reading Brosephus' post below about the Navy pilot who was asked to trim his handlebar moustache, I realized that there have now been 3 postings on this site about facial hair, and none were written by me. This distressed me, because although Brosephus has been known to grow a full beard from time to time, I am the resident pogonotrophe. Considering the fact that I've been able to grow a full beard since I was about 12 years old (unfortunately, that is not a typo) and have amused myself cultivating my facial hair in a variety of ways since, I have yet to throw my two cents in on the whole "beard" phenomenon. Until now.


I read an article years ago in which Tim Allen (yes, that Tim Allen) suggested that in the age of women's liberation, that growing beards was one of the last thing men could do exclusively (a few stray whiskers, or Frida Kahlo-style lip hair do not count. Jennifer Miller, probably the most well-known "bearded lady" does count, but she and her sistren are the overwhelming exception to what I'm talking about.) I remember looking at photos of men from the civil war and early part of the 20th century and thinking that we had lost something culturally when men started shaving their entire faces, all the time. As a kid, I used to read a comic book called Elfquest, and the male characters, upon reaching adulthood, all developed their own distinctive facial hair (without needing to shave) - it represented to me the ability of men to make themselves unique from other men.
In the modern age, it has seemed (at least until recently) that facial growth, especially unique growth departing from standard beards and van dykes, was the almost-exclusive province of gay men in general and bears specifically. This trend appears to be changing, as more and more men (straight and gay) rediscover the joys of facial hair, and not just during the winter months or in Williamsburg. I've started taking informal polls as I ride the subway to work each day, counting dudes with facial hair and those without - we (I'm currently sporting a Balbo, and the wifey-to-be happens to prefer me in a beard) outnumber the clean-shaven every time. So maybe this is the beginning of a new era for male facial hair and creativity. To paraphrase the end of the Passover seder, "next year at the World Beard and Moustache Championships!"

Why can't they all just adhere to "The Goose" standard?

Heard a great story this afternoon on NPR. A British pilot, on an exchange posting with the US Airforce, was asked to trim his handlebar moustache. Seems that our flyboys have to comply with some sort of moustache ordinance that limits the size of their 'stache, and the handles on Chris Ball's moustache violated the guidelines by an inch or so. Seriously. Check it out:




Ball was basically told that he needed to grow a 'stache more like Goose. See below:


Ball appealed to his superiors- and long story short- is allowed to keep his tribute to The Caplickster in place.

The real reason why the U.S. is falling behind in math and science

Every couple of months we read about how America's youth are falling far behind their international counterparts when it comes to math and science. The experts keep trying to figure out why this has happened, and how they can reverse the trend.

Finally, some answers:


BTW: This poll was commissioned by Counterpoint: The MIT-Wellesley Journal of Campus Life (whose staff, I'm guessing, is much more Chemistry/Mathematics than they are Studio Art), and comes to us via Pushback. Just last week, MIT announced that they were abandoning their sixteen year partnership with Wellesley and pulling out of the academic journal. They're heading over to BU to get laid.

R.I.P.: Tim Russert

Tim Russert died today at the young age of 58. I remember the first time a celebrity death affected me as deeply as if I knew the person personally - it was when Scatman Crothers passed away. Well, it's happened again - maybe it's because I was a big fan of Russert as a journalist, or maybe it was because he was one of those news celebrities who you see so often that they start to feel like family. In any case, I'll miss him.

Rest in peace, Mr. Russert.

Veal Loaf Nostalgia

So my brother's comment regarding Veal Loaf brought back some fantastic memories. We used to go to a place called Karl Ehmers, which was essentially a giant German delicatessen. When you think of delis, you usually think of Jewish or Italian delis. You know, either hanging salamis or hanging Prosciutti. Not Karl Ehmers. Karl Ehmers had wursts of every variety. Bratwurst. Tirolerwurst, Bierwurst, Serenaaltschulwurst. If you Google wursts, Karl Ehmers is still number one.


But I digress...

I learned to love Veal Loaf before I learned to love soda milk. I had no idea what it was, nor did it ever occur to me that there was anything strange about Veal coming in Loaf form. All I knew was that it was always warm (despite the fact that it came from a cold deli case) and it tasted great with ketchup on wheat bread.

Tonight I looked up a recipe for Veal Loaf. Here goes:

Chopped Veal, Powdered Cracker, Butter, Mace (which evidently is a spice similar to nutmeg), Egg, Chopped Pork, Salt and Pepper.

Thoughts?

P.S. Karl Ehmer closed down the farm years ago and sold the land to a developer. They built pretty typical tract housing, featuring starter homes with no basements. Word was that there was some concern that the land might be infected with Anthrax.

Other items found in our house circa 1985

I'm not going to deny what my brother wrote earlier. It was all true. The Diet Coke, the Soda Milk, the People Magazine. If Doc Brown showed up with the Delorean and offered to bring you back to our childhood home, you'd find that those were all pretty typical items at the crib on Walnut Hill.

Here are some of my favorites from back in the day:

Five Alive- you don't see this much, but it used to be one of my drink boxes. That and Crantastic.

(Diet) Canfield's Chocolate Fudge Soda- I always thought it was pretty gross, but for some reason there always seemed to be a couple cans in the pantry. Maybe because no one ever wanted to drink it.

Freihofer's Chocolate Chip Cookies- Greatest chocolate chip cookies ever. And sadly, very unavailable South of the Mason Dixon line.

Stouffer's Macaroni and Cheese- Unbelievably good frozen macaroni and cheese. So good, that when The Barefoot Contessa's recipe for Mac 'n Cheese didn't work out as planned at Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, Mom substituted Stouffer's. Everyone loved it (especially me, who knew at bite one what I was eating).

Eating Out With Jen Bablow

Last night I had the pleasure of dining with an old friend. Let's just call him Jen Bablow. Bablow, who beginning today is assuming the post of Assistant to the Chicago Bureau Chief (just for reference, the Chicago Bureau Chief position is currently held by Delicious E.), admitted that he's not a regular visitor to this site. He said the chief reason was that he wanted to read about people he knew, not celebrities. Jen asserted that if Flappy Days started covering, say, him, traffic would go through the roof. I'm dubious, but just in case Bablow's correct, here are a few nuggets on the newest member of the Flappy Days family:

1. He loves Hugh Grant movies. He'll go by himself if he must. In particular, he really enjoyed Notting Hill. I think he was disappointed by Mickey Blue Eyes, but who wasn't. I never saw it myself- I protest anything that degrades James Caan any further (which includes anything featuring Scott Caan not called Varsity Blues).

2. One of his favorite all time songs is Funky Nassau, from everyone's favorite sequel, Blues Brothers 2000. Listen to it here.

3. Bablow self-diagnosed himself lactose intolerent. He figured this out years ago after dining at Gino's East in Chicago. Unfortunately, this was after consuming a pizza that looked like this:

If you'd like to know more about Bablow, or have stories of your own, please feel free to comment.

US Weekly vs. People Magazine: class versus trash?

I'm not embarrassed to admit that Brosephus and I grew up with People Magazine and Diet Coke (and television - lots and lots of television). Our mother loved Diet Coke and People Magazine, ergo, so did we. Before you call child services, you should know that for the first 8-10 years of our life, that Diet Coke would be consumed as "Soda Milk" - milk and soda mixed into one delicious beverage, the idea for which our mother may or may not have gotten from watching "Laverne and Shirley". I never actually bought a People subscription for myself (I don't have a desperate need to learn Al Roker's diet secrets or Roma Downey's cruelty-free make-up regimen), but I do happily flip through them anytime I'm back at the homestead. People really was the forerunner of the current crop of celebrity tabloids, but I never felt quite as disgusted as I do after reading a People as I do after reading, say, US Weekly. Some friends and I were discussing why this might be, and I suggested that it was because People balanced out all of their trashier celebrity tabloid pieces with a handful of human interest stories in every issue. For every article on Kate Hudson's latest romantic betrayal, there was one about a mom in Indiana who miraculously saved her toddler by lifting a 18-wheeler with her bare hands. You know, a little uplift to offset the depressing "downpull" of celebrity navel gazing. The wifey-to-be treats US Weekly like crack, and enjoys the sick thrill of a magazine completely bereft of human interest. I was trying to quantify how I felt about it all and came up with this: US Weekly is People's whorey little sister.

Seems pretty close to the mark.

Memo to McCain: It's actually a series of tubes

At a recent stop on his campaign, Senator McCain was asked about his vice presidential search. He replied: "You know, basically it's a Google. What you can find out now on the internet - it's remarkable." Senator McCain, with all due respect, if you hope to win the youth vote, you're going to have to stop adding extraneous "a"s and "the"s in front of commonly used modern words. And yes, it *was* remarkable how much information could be found on the intertubes... in 1998. Now - not so remarkable. Of course, we're not electing a Technologist-In-Chief, but c'mon now - does this guy not have advisors to warn him away from such gaffes?

R.I.P.: Jim McCay

Of the two balding brothers here at Flappy Days, I am clearly the one less interested in sports. (Case in point - I have absolutely no idea what or whom Brosephus is talking about in the post below.) This has started to change in the last couple years as I've developed a taste for bloodsports (specifically, MMA, and more specifically, the UFC), but throughout our childhoods, it was always Brosephus who collected baseball cards, who watched Monday Night Football with our college-football-playing (and coaching) father, and who read the sports pages (I was much more interested in...anything else). I still get surprised credit from him when I bust out obscure sports knowledge whose source is a mystery even to me (pulled out of my ass, most likely. Although, the fact that I know that Jaromir Jagr used to play on the Penguins lost its luster, oh, about 7 seven years ago).

So it's really saying something when an icon of the sports world dies and I actually recognize them. Jim McKay passed away last week, and the world will forever be richer for his oft-quoted formulation: "the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat."

Rest in peace, Mr. McManus.

Prince and Sally O'Malley now have something in common

Once in a while, a celebrity birthday really puts one's own mortality into perspective. Last week, Prince turned 50. Before you know it, the Olsen twins will be shilling for Depends. Life moves fast.

Introducting Garth Breen, Mike Breen's Evil Twin

For me, Game 1 of the 2008 Final's wasn't so much about the return of the Celtics-Lakers rivalry as it was about Mike Breen's goatee. Why did I not notice this? I feel like I've watched my share of the NBA Playoffs, and yet here we are in Game 1 and I had on idea that Breeny was sporting chin music.

Check out the before and afters, they remind me very much of Michael Knight's evil twin brother Garth Knight (propers to Chuckles on his epic Halloween costume back in '96) from Knight Rider:

It left me a little stunned, actually. Why would a broadcaster choose to grow such weak-ass facial hair on the verge of calling one of the biggest (from a ratings standpoint, at least) NBA Finals of all time? Does he think it makes him look more mature, perhaps maybe even a little more dangerous?

I'll always have much love for Mike Breen. The last time the Lakers and Celtics met in the Finals, Mike was the voice of the Marist Red Foxes, who at the time were my favorite college basketball team . While Larry and Magic duked it out on the main stage, Breen was calling Rik Smits and Drafton Davis' names for local cable access.

Not Funny: Senate report finds Bush administration used information it knew was false

Not everything is fun and games here at Flappy Days. But this is something that you should know:

The Senate Intelligence Committee issued a Phase II report today on the Bush administration's use (or misuse, as they case appears to be) of intelligence in the lead up to the Iraq War. You can read the report here. The bottom line is something that most people I've talked to suspected even as it was happening: in presenting their case to invade Iraq, Bush White House officials repeatedly misrepresented the threat posed by Sadam Hussein's regime. Now, I'm not a hysteric (really, I'm not), but can someone explain to me why a single-sentence lie under oath about a blow job rises to an impeachable offense, but "misrepresenting" facts that lead the country into a mega-multiple billion dollar war with thousands of American, and tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of Iraqi casualties is not?

Seriously.

Pet Peeves: People who never take off their bluetooth earpieces

I know I'm not the first, and I probably won't be the last person to gripe about this modern phenomenon. Hell, type "douchebag bluetooth earpiece" into google, and you get over 10 pages of results. I think what bothers me most is that I can't figure out if these dudes (and it's almost exclusively dudes) keep these things in their ears at all times because they think it makes them look important or cool, or if they legitimately expect to a receive a call AT ANY MOMENT. I mean, I can see how they would be useful in an office, or if your hands are full, but wearing them all the time - even in restaurants? It just doesn't make sense. Can someone explain it to me? Nah, don't bother, this is one pet peeve that won't go away.

You're not my boo, boo

Last night, the wife and I were watching Anderson Cooper and his gang of political retreads talk about Obama and Hillary for the umpteenth time (do they ever get tired of one another?). Nothing else was on, and we were keen on seeing what HD would do for Jeffrey Toobin's complexion. Anyway, out of nowhere, Anderson Cooper and Donna Brazile had a little "moment":



Mildly amusing.

Here's the abusively self-serving part: It's a top headline on CNN.com today! Sandwiched in between "Clinton should be veep, Obama urged" and "Ticker: Unity ticket 'worst mistake' says Carter", Yar she blows: "Anderson Cooper 'you're not my boo'".

I'm not naive enough to think that the recent calamities in Myanmar and China still warrant homepage coverage, but is this the best that CNN has to offer? There's a huge runoff election in Zimbabwe coming up, and oh yeah, there's still that "conflict" in Iraq (amongst other seemingly more important current events). Our friends at CNN, perpetually wondering how Fox News managed to steal their lunch, figured that this is what everyone wanted read about today.

Oh yeah, there was also a headline about naked photos and teens as well as one about a nine year old boy duct-taped to his chair.

Someday, it'll be a great story for the grandkids...

A mooning gone horribly wrong has resulted in "deep wounds to the derriere." Evidently, a 21 year old Dutch man thought it would be funny to moon patrons at a restaurant in Utrecht. What he didn't count on was that either a. the restaurant's window was made of very fragile glass or that b. he was pushing his fat ass much too hard against said fragile glass. Either way, kudos to whoever wrote the headline over at MSNBC for showing some restraint, as well as to me for not utilizing a more profane image to convey the tragedy of this mishap.

West Virginia: Not Just For Incest Anymore!

Major props to Darth Vader for today's line of the day. From today's AJC:

Talking about his family roots and how he's distantly related to Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, the vice president noted that he had Cheneys on both sides of his family.

"And we don't even live in West Virginia," Cheney quipped. "You can say those things when you're not running for re-election."

Now that they're not running for re-election- or as Scott McClellan called it- "constant campaigning", I wonder what other golden nuggets we might get from the administration over the next six months.

Selfishly, I'm just glad Cheney didn't say something like "And my family's not even from Bialystock" or "And we weren't from a schtetl either".

More strange news from Japan

Why does all the strangest stuff come from Japan? First, Super Pii Pii Brothers, and now this:

A Japanese man puzzled by food mysteriously disappearing from his refrigerator got a shock when he discovered a woman had been living in his home for months without permission, police said today.

If you're wondering how someone doesn't know that another person is living in their home - for months - evidently, some this nutjob snuck into the dude's home and set up a mattress in one of his closets. (I guess it was one of those closets he didn't use very frequently.) The best part is that not only had she been doing this on and off for over a year, but:

Police suspect she might have been closet-hopping, moving from house to house.

Closet-hopping! That's pretty classic. During high school, a friend of mine made a temporary home in our pool house (without our knowledge) during one particularly cold winter, but closet-hopping - that's a new one. And what's with the Japanese newspaper in the beginning of the video for Rockwell's paean to paranoia? Was he psychic or something?:



UPDATE: Just to be fair, Rockwell is not the only paranoid hitmaker of the '80s. For your viewing pleasure:

I would have lost just for comedy's sake

I'm kind of fascinated with spelling bees. Not just because I had my own trauma inducing run-in with the craze that's sweeping the nation. (Full disclosure: In 3rd grade, I went out on the word "magician." If I remember correctly, I spelled it m-a-g-i-t-i-a-n. Like you care.) But I also loved the movie Spellbound (not be confused with the Alfred Hitchcock classic), which follows the lives of eight teenage Nerds (with a capital N, and applied lovingly a group I consider myself a part of) as they cram and cry and crack in preparation for the 1999 season of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The other night, the wifey-to-be and I were flipping around, and found the finals of the Bee airing. They were just coming back from commercial break, and the announcer said something like, "And the kids tonight have had to spell words like "Numbnut."" Whaaaa'?! I seriously replayed those 3 seconds, like, 20 times to see if my ears deceived me. Then I busted out my dictionary (yes, they still make those) and searched for a word that, you know, SOUNDED like numbnut, cause I just couldn't believe they'd make the kids spell that. Nothing. Internet search - nothing. I went to bed certain that next year's crop of nerdlets would have to spell "Dickwad." Then I found this:



Phew.

Multiple Affairs v. MMA

For those of you who got their first taste of Mixed Martial Arts this weekend, welcome. CBS' presentation of EliteXC wasn't exactly what I'd call a typical night of MMA. A normal UFC card, for instance, usually doesn't feature skanky dancers, guys getting their Cauliflower Ears busted, or female fighters. To sum it up, not your father's MMA.

Unfortunately, viewers in Greensboro, NC, didn't have the option of tuning in to the broadcast. "We have concern for the content in CBS' EliteXC," said David Briscoe, Program Director for WFMY. Instead, the CBS affiliate televised a 1992 made-for-TV movie called "Getting Up and Going Home," which stars Tom Skerritt as a divorced attorney who copes with his mid-life crisis by having multiple affairs.

Not only am I not making this up, but I cut and pasted the last part directly from the LA Times.

At least this time Sex triumphed over Violence.

ps. Did anyone else notice that Kimbo Slice's chest hair seems to be much more grown in on the left side? I found myself entranced by the unbalanced pattern...